Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.