A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying