Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
never ask a starfish for directions
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Wait a minute
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
it is time once again
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”