Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
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Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad