Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
You Might Also Like
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed