This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.