When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I love wikipedia
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Dance like you’re not the father
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.