[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
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Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.