Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You Might Also Like
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]