Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
my dog when i have a friend over
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries