friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
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Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Worth the read.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying