This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
You Might Also Like
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Happy weekend !
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?