You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money