Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Home is where your toilet is.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials