I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me