Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
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A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Always the camel, never the toe.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”