Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
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If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”