On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Not😆🤣
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Sharon, call the vet