If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.