Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.