*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction