ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I never needed anything more in my life
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.