You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
(True)
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*