I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
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Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.