Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
can you read it!!??
maan!
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
U talkin 2 me?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”