*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.