Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
selfie game
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.