[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media