Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
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I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me too
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
i wish all
whales
a very
big
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.