Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
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*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.