Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.