The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
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Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Wait a minute…
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I found your tweet-up…
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire