SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]