And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Who did it better?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”