waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
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Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me