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Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.