Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
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I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
no
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.