” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.