Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Room with a view.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.