wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁