Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
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This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.