When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
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Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Good dog. ❤️
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out