Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history