10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.