[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.