do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
How I’d get arrested…
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt