HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.