I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”