I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“What?”
– Jude
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.