Will you ππ meow meow ππ me?
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: areβ¦are you high right now?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! β€οΈ
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasnβt yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Principal: Bob, youβre their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Me: Iβm going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
βYou have nice eyesβ
– boring
– unoriginal
– sheβs probably heard it a million timesβJeepers, creepers, whereβd ya get those peepers?β
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she canβt find a good man and she hasnβt let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house